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This collection of engineer oriented jokes comes courtesy of the Funny Junk Site.
Engineer In Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, which makes the engineer a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?” Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.” God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.” Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.” Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
(Predictable punch line, but nice setup…)
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection. If you can’t fix it — document it. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
(Very true, but not so funny?)
Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match. Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday. Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words. Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions. Real Engineers say “It’s 77 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 Kelvin” and all you say is “Isn’t it a nice day?” Real Engineers wear badges so they don’t forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying “Don’t offer me a ride today. I drove my own car”. Real Engineers’ politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window. Real Engineers know the “ABC’s of Infrared” from A to B. Real Engineers know how to take the cover off of their computer, and are not afraid to do it. Real Engineers’ briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of “Quantum Physics,” and a half of a peanut butter sandwich. Real Engineers don’t find the above at all funny.
(Wow, this hits very close to home…)
Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn’t Teach You
- There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
- Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
- Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
- Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
- Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
- Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
- Managers, not engineers, rule the world. 8. Always try to fix the hardware with software.
- If you like junk food, caffeine, and all-nighters, go into software.
- Dilbert is not a comic strip, it’s a documentary.
(Number 10 says it all, particularly for facility managers too!)
The Engineer and the Red Rubber Ball
A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.