FRIDAY FUNNY: Engineering A Sense Of Humor

Who Says Engineers Have A Weird Sense Of Humor?

This Friday Funny features a collection of clever jokes for and about engineers. And with an intro like that, who can resist?
This Friday Funny features a collection of clever jokes for and about engineers. And with an intro like that, who can resist?

This collection of engineer oriented jokes comes courtesy of the Funny Junk Site. Screen Shot 2014-05-02 at 1.21.00 PM

Engineer In Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, which makes the engineer a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?” Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.” God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.” Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.” Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
(Predictable punch line, but nice setup…)

Engineering Laws

Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection. If you can’t fix it — document it. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
(Very true, but not so funny?)

Real Engineers

Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match. Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday. Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words. Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions. Real Engineers say “It’s 77 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 Kelvin” and all you say is “Isn’t it a nice day?” Real Engineers wear badges so they don’t forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying “Don’t offer me a ride today. I drove my own car”. Real Engineers’ politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window. Real Engineers know the “ABC’s of Infrared” from A to B. Real Engineers know how to take the cover off of their computer, and are not afraid to do it. Real Engineers’ briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of “Quantum Physics,” and a half of a peanut butter sandwich. Real Engineers don’t find the above at all funny.

(Wow, this hits very close to home…)

Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn’t Teach You

  1. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
  2. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
  3. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
  4. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
  5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
  6. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
  7. Managers, not engineers, rule the world. 8. Always try to fix the hardware with software.
  8. If you like junk food, caffeine, and all-nighters, go into software.
  9. Dilbert is not a comic strip, it’s a documentary.

(Number 10 says it all, particularly for facility managers too!)

The Engineer and the Red Rubber Ball

A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

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  1. “A Boy and His Frog”

    A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”. He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

    The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

    The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

    Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

    The boy said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

  2. Two engineering students meet on campus one day.

    The first engineer calls out to the other, “Hey — Nice bike! Where did you get it?”

    “Well, ” replies the other, “I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says ‘You can have ANYTHING you want!!'”

    “Good choice,” says the first, “her clothes wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

  3. The difference between an engineer and a salesperson;
    The great salesperson starts out knowing a little about a lot. Then goes about learning less and less about more and more, until they know absolutely nothing about everything.
    An engineer, conversely, starts out knowing a lot about a little. Then goes about learning more and more about less and less until they know absolutely everything about nothing.

  4. At a common friend’s party, a doctor, an engineer and a lawyer, all previously strangers, got into a discussion as to what was the oldest profession. They all agreed it was not prostitution. The doctor claimed that it was medicine since when God took a rib from Adam to create a woman this was clearly a medical function. The engineer piped up and said the doctor was wrong. Clearly when God created the world out of confusion and chaos it was an engineering function. The lawyer smiled and said they were both wrong and then asked “Where do you think all of the chaos and confusion came from?”.

  5. How can you tell that an engineer is an extrovert?
    He stares at your shoes instead of his own.

  6. Arguing with an Engineer is like wrestling with a pig in the mud, after a while you realize the pig enjoys it

  7. An optimist says the glass is half full, and the pessimist half empty. The engineer says it is too large.

  8. Glen I like your joke and you tell it exactly like an engineer. I’ve seen it four time as long with a fancy build up. Your version is exactly as an engineer would tell it bare bones, short and to the point!

  9. A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
    While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a CAD monkey please.” The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted it with a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, “That’ll be $5000.” The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
    Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?” The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can draw in CAD – very fast, clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money.”
    The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. “That one’s even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?” “Oh, that one’s a Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All sorts of really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.
    The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in its own cage. The price tag around its neck said $50,000. Shocked, he said to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?” The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but it says it’s an Engineer.”

  10. Bill Gates ends up in purgatory and meets with St. Peter and Satan. They tell Bill they can’t decide whether he belongs in heaven or hell. So they will let him see both places and choose. St. Peter takes him up to heaven. Harps, clouds, angels…so idyllic it’s boring. Satan takes him down to hell for a tour. Broad white beach, turquoise water, palm trees, bikini models serving martinis. Back in purgatory, they ask Bill what he wants. He thanks St. Peter but says hell was frankly more hedonistic and exciting.

    Bill is instantly transported back to hell. It’s fiery hot, the air is full of angonized screams, and Satan pokes him with a hot pitchfork. Bill asks Satan, “What happened to the beach and the bikini models?”

    Satan replies, “Oh, that was just the demo version”

  11. An engineer, an architect and an artist were all discussing the relative merits of having a wife vs. having a mistress.

    The architect extolled the virtues of a solid home life and the security of a long-term marriage.

    The artist preferred the mystery and excitement of a mistress.

    The engineer said, “I like to have both. That way, when you are out, they will each think you are with the other and you can go to the lab and get some work done!”.

  12. During the French Revolution a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were facing execution on the guillotine. The doctor was first, but the blade jammed and the doctor was set free due to Divine Intervention.

    The lawyer was next, again the blade jammed, and was also set free.

    As the engineer was being led to his doom, he glanced up at the blade and said “Wait a minute! I think I see the problem…”

  13. sad to say
    77 degrees Fahrenheit = 25 degrees Celsius = 298 Kelvin;
    not 70 degrees Fahrenheit

  14. Here’s a good, clean one I like to tell at mixed company seminars:

    An engineer dies and is met at the Pearly Gates by St Peter. St Peter ask the engineer his name as he looks it up in the big book of life.

    St Peter looks up and states, “There’s been a mistake, you’re not due here for another 50 years!” The engineer is distraught and asks what can be done.

    St Peter replies, “No problem, this happens more often than you think. Follow me”.

    So they walk through the gates and to a room with several bins in it. This is the body parts room. St Peter takes the engineer to the legs bins and states, ” We have all kinds of legs to choose from, but relative to all the good you have done in life so far, you only gets $500 worth to play with.”

    The engineer sees this as the usual get the most for the least cost exercise so decides to pick carefully and asks, “how much are super strong legs?”

    “$10 each” replies St Peter. The engineer is overjoyed and takes two. The next bins are arms, and the engineer buys two super strong arms for $5 each. This is looking good and the engineer is building a great body and dreaming about all the fun he will have when he gets back to earth.

    They finally reach the brain bins. The engineer asks “How much are engineers’ brains?” “$5,000 an ounce.” replies St Peter.

    “$5,000 an ounce!” exclaims the engineer. “Why so much?” he asks. St Peter replies, “Do you know how many engineers it takes to get an ounce of brains?”

  15. An engineer wakes in a strange bed with the smell of sulfur, heat and a reddish glow in the room. Moments later, he answers a knock on the door to be greeted by the devil.

    “Welcome to Hell,” cries the devil.

    The engineer is distraught but the devil sees that and says, “Hey, you’ll like it here. We just have bad publicity. You get to do whatever you like forever. What do you like to do?” On hearing that his new guest is an engineer, the devil is delighted as they are rare down there.

    So, taking the engineer down a seemingly endless set of hallways, he brings him into a room that stretches to infinity with unlimited state of the art computers, instruments, peripherals, internet, components, etc.

    “Now remember, once you choose, you will stay in that position forever. Is this what you want?” asked the devil.

    After the engineer happily agreed and thanked him profusely, the devil left and sealed the door for eternity. But just as it was latching shut, the devil mentioned – “Oh, by the way, everything in here is intermittent.”

  16. To the optimist, the glass is half full.
    To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
    To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

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