Spending Christmas Under Water

FM Frequency Columnist Charles Carpenter flexes his poetic muscle yet again with this retelling of the classic Christmas tale. Move over, Clement Clarke Moore.


https://facilityexecutive.com/2014/12/twas-the-night-before-christmas-with-facility-management-twist-again/
FM Frequency Columnist Charles Carpenter flexes his poetic muscle yet again with this retelling of the classic Christmas tale. Move over, Clement Clarke Moore.
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Friday Funny: ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas (With Facility Management Twist–Again!)

Spending Christmas Under Water

Santa with reindeer.  

An adaptation by Charles C. Carpenter, CFM

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all across the floor,
Not one thing was moving, not even a door.
The UL Approved lights were hung off the cubicles with care,
In hopes of winning a decorating prize share.

My children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Angry Birds danced in their heads.
With toys all assembled and a car full of gas,
I had just dozed off at a long Midnight Mass.

The bells that were ringing were not for the singer;
Turns out that some schmuck did not turn off his phone ringer!
From my pocket there arose such a clatter,
I grabbed my phone quickly to see what was the matter.

Away to the vestibule I flew like a flight,
To see who was calling at that time of night.
It was Gus, the security guard, who called to say
That a pipe had just burst; much to my dismay.

I sprinted so fast that I knocked over the Magi
Then jumped in my car and started to fly.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, not driving so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More slowly than snails his coursers they came.
So I honked and shouted, and called them by name;

Move it Dasher, Dancer, Prancer! Get out of the way Vixen!
Come on Comet, Cupid, Donner! Move your butt Blitzen!
Having no choice but to run him into a ditch,
I shouted, “Get out of my way, you son of a b!(#h!”

So on to the facility, around corners left and right,
Until my rearview mirror showed a red flashing light.
Did the cops think that I was driving like a drunk?
No, it was just Rudolph, sprawled over my trunk.

I swiped my access card and burst through the door,
Where I saw Christmas decorations now floating on the floor.
I waded through the lobby and down through the hall
And cut off the water…wondering who I should call.

Flooded office Christmas decorations.

Finding a plumber on Christmas would not be a breeze;
But now thanks to Google, you can do it with ease.
As I hung up my phone and was turning around,
Down the hallway came one, with a great silent bound.

He was dressed in Dickies from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with feces and soot;
A bundle of tools he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a plumber just opening his pack.

My eyes—how they twinkled, despite this big mess.
I just prayed to Jesus that he took American Express!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon led me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And fixed the pipe; then turned with a jerk,
Laying his wrench beside my soaked feet,
He was someone I was most happy to meet.

He sprang to his truck to write up an invoice,
And  graciously let me pay with my method of choice.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove from my trouble,
“If it happened during Hanukkah, I’d have to charge double!!”

Erik Nelson welding.
Photo: Erik Nelson Plumbing.

Charles Carpenter is the magazine’s FM Frequency Columnist. If you missed it, last week he provided Funny Friday adaptation of How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

What suppliers have come to the rescue for you this year? Cast your vote for our Annual Readers’ Choice Awards, and watch for the results in the January/February 2015 issue. There will be a random drawing for a $50 Gift Card (entry is optional).

 

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